if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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