Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
