Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
