I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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