I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
