And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize