I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
