My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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