I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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