Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
