could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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