A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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