i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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