would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
