I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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