My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I want to be your penis for a week.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
