At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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