just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
