I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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