i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im six kinds of drunk right now
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My bed smells like the plague
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
