If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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