they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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