We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
