thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
