Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
