I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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