just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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