I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
