bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
