Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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