I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
