real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just cut my nipple shaving
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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