Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
