I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
