i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
