so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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