sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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