The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
