yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize