I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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