Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
