Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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