i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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