I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
