Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
