I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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