I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
