I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
