I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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