I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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