"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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