oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
