a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
