i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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