I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
