I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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