I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
