Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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