i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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