Im at strip club and am horny
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize