In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
