I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
