That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
